Tell us a bit about yourself if you like.
Well, I believe that´s the hardest part of all probably. I was born in 1983, grew up in a traditional, catholic family. We never spoke about sex, and my upbringing kind of excluded this topic at least coming from my parents. But I was fortunate enough to have had some gret friends who were willing to share their information about intimate relationships with me. However, it didn´t seem very intersting to me at all. I enjoyed hearing their stories of how they got kissed – but what I really loved was to hear how their boyfriends treated them badly, or the other way around. This was when I realized that there might be something different with my perception of perfect relationships.
And do you still feel this way?
I do – even more than when I was young. The difference between then and now is that I know that I can love someone, but show him my love by inflicting pain. I know that sounds odd for some people, but what I realized is that I can´t live in a relationship that´s all about bees and flowers. Being the dominant part in a relationship satisfies me like a normal, vanilla lifestyle wouldn´t do. I never had a partner who dreamt of the perfect family, nor did I ever dream of having one. I dreamt about having someone submit to me, being my servant and who likes getting punished for things he didn´t do. And luckily there are plenty of people whose dreams match mine, so I don´t really have to search long.
So you would call yourself a sadist?
I´m not only a sadist, much more a dominant girl who likes to stay on top of things. But most of all, I´m a woman who enjoys reading a book, who loves dancing, who likes beaches and a good movie. I do love my family, my cats and my neighbour. At least when he finally turns down the music at 2 am so that I can get some sleep.
What is it, that you gain from being dominant, except pleasure?
First of all, I believe that life is all about pleasure. Nobody can give you a perfect reason for being born in this world, and I made up my mind about this for a long time. If nobody can tell me why we are here, I might as well be born just to have fun. But besides that, BDSM is a lot about communicating with your partner, often about things that you can´t really name for yourself. So there is always something new to learn about me, my desires, my fears. BDSM helps me to grow much faster, and everything I do in a BDSM context can be integrated in my daily life. For example, buying clothes for a session requires me to think about who I want to represent in that moment. And wearing this clothes, being admired by my play partner gives me the confidence to wear everything I want to wear. I never wore tight trousers before, for example. Now I simply love them and I know that there are people out there who like to see me in them.
Does your family know about your preferences?
Not really, even though I tried to tell them at least the inoffensive version of it. But they didn´t hear me or didn´t want to hear me. And after a while I gave up, but that left me with the feeling that I did something that would tear their world apart. This hurts sometimes, but I know that I can´t really change the way I feel. And to be honest, I don´t want to change my feelings as well. This is my life and I see no reason why I should stop doing what I´m doing.
You said that you grew up in a catholic family. Do you believe that your lifestyle is a sin?
I do believe in god, at least I want to believe. But I don´t believe in sins. If god exists, he had a good reason for me being here with all that I am. Even if some people in the church would clearly say otherwise. But lucky for me, you don´t get burned any more for not following the rules of the church.